July 23rd
Today I finally forgave myself! During our worship service I let everything go. I truly feel a burden lifted off of my shoulders. Jesus said that he will be there in times of need and right now He is needed. Let me say that it feels GREAT! I was holding a grudge against myself for the past seven plus years. So today was the day that I finally arrived in Garden Valley. It’s so exciting to be here ready to serve God! The greatest part is that everybody is so God-centered. What blew me away was that people new me without even knowing me. I was talking with Rachel, all we shared was that she is going to Panama and I am going to Dallas. Out of know where she says that I have a great testimony. That really struck me as odd only because she doesn’t even know me. It was really hard to open up at first. We started walking up the long hill to our bunks and each step of the way it was easier and easier to talk about me and my life. I told her I was in a juvenile facility and she thought that was the best thing ever! I told her that Harrison (my brother) had a better testimony with his cancer and the so many lives that he touched. He never gave up- not even at the end. I constantly gave up in life. Rachel just turned it around on me saying that it was great that I still came on this trip, even after all that has happened. It made me feel that I was taking away from him by having her say how great it is for me. Strange as it is, her story is way different than mine, but at the same time very similar. We got to our bunks before I could really finish and I think she had more to say as well, maybe tomorrow we can finish. Some of us are going to Dallas and yet some are going else where. It’s all where God wants us to be!
“Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have because God has said “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5
July 24th
I have learned a lot today. I really stepped it up and displayed my leadership quality. We did a few strategy games. Trying to fit twenty people on a square piece of wood that is designed to only hold 10 was quite the challenge. At times I felt as though I wasn’t heard, and at those times I need to step it up and show everybody who God wants me to be. During one of our activities we had two logs with rope attached to them. It was like we were going skiing. The group practically shoved me as their fearless leader~ We had to move ten people on these skis to the orange cone and back. At first it was easy. We would count- “one, two, three, right. One, two, three, left. One, two, three, right. One, two, three…” Then, because we were doing better than the other group they made the person in front stand on the “wooden skis” backwards. That person just so happened to be me. Ha Ha Ha. Then we couldn’t count so we made animal noises. Soon they took that away and made us sing. Then we had to be quiet. Needless to say I am very proud of myself for taking charge of such a task, and being able to pull it off. I am so excited for the missionaries to show up, mostly because I can share my story with them. I have been holding back so much and it’s different when you are totally surrounded by God. I just need to let everything flow out. Tomorrow we find out who will be MA’s (Missionary Advisors). I hope it’s me! But if not, it’s all in God’s plan. I am still very proud of myself! That’s all the counts
July 25th
WOW The missionaries came today- I thought I knew everybody on the Dallas trip, but it just grew. It was really cool to see everybody coming in and what countries they were going to. Lindsay is from Virginia Minnesota Finally someone from my neck of the woods. She wanted to know my story, so I shared it. Well…part of it anyway. It was easier this time. Later on we played a tag game and by hooking up with someone you got to know them. My story just kept flowing out for some reason. I don’t know, everybody thinks it’s great that I came from a facility. Honestly I can’t thank God enough for it but it was so emotionally hard for me. I don’t know. God put me there to help me and then for me to help others. I think it’s strange, but people keep looking at me as if they already know me and what I’ve done without really knowing me at all. Its funny, random people just walk up to me and say “you’re a great guy”. “You have a great testimony”. To me, I have to wonder, do I have a sign on display somewhere?
July 26th
After worship it was our quiet time. I took the responsibility of watching Joshua (A young man who is visually impaired). I asked him where he wanted his quiet time and he told me that he wanted to sit by the fountain because he likes to listen to the water shoot up and splash down. We got outside and it was raining! I didn’t want to stay but Joshua did. I chose to stay for Joshua who was lifting is hands to the Lord In my heart I wanted to go inside and have Joshua call for me when he was ready to go. For some reason I just let the water pellets hit me as I thought about why I was still sitting in the rain. After awhile it felt pretty good. Not because of the rain but because Joshua was HAPPY! It feels really good to do something I don’t like just so that others are happy. I guess it was interesting that I just sat there and did nothing. Maybe I was lazy but for whatever reason I wouldn’t move. I was trying to write in my journal and didn’t dare because of the rain. Thoughts just flew randomly through my head that, I should sit under the hang-over by the door, ask someone else to keep an eye on him etc. But even just sitting there I felt a change. Inside I spoke up and said to myself that there is a man who needs my help and I am here to serve. So I just sat and thought about what I was doing. It made me realize that I have to give up some things in life, be it small or big to serve God. God really opened my heart to the enjoyment of sacrifice.
July 27th
It’s amazing how people notice me for doing the smallest of things. They seem to give me praise of which I don’t think I deserve. I am great because I was called to be great. God handpicked me from the fires of Hell to lead his people home! There are 112 people going to Dallas and I get the notion that some of these people here think that I am like a savior to them. I am NO savior. Just a servant! Right before quiet time I had a girl, Kristina, come up to me and tell me that I am awesome. I told her everybody tells me that and yet no one knows me. She said that she doesn’t know me either but she sees Jesus in me. The way that I was helping out Joshua was amazing. She said that not many people would do that but I beg to differ. My excuse for helping out Joshua was that if I were blind, I wouldn’t want to stumble around in the dark all by myself. I don’t know maybe I am different. Do normal people justify their actions like that?
July 27th
This day was so moving. Just being around Godly people is an awesome experience! Worship was as equally phenomenal! Everybody broke down and began to cry. Even the ones that I didn’t think would cry! We went for a walk outside. The whole place was lit by fire light. That was an amazing event. At our destination there was a cross planted in the ground. The sounds of everybody crying made me cry. I don’t know why. I began to pray for everybody that was going on this trip except one person- ME I don’t know why but I forgot to pray for myself. The amazing part is, God takes care of me. In my bible I have a paper about Harrison. I was reading it and began to cry- this was during our lunch break. Kristina sat down and asked if I was going to be ok. I really didn’t want to talk about it, so she asked if there was anything that she could pray for. I told her a little bit of the situation and she began telling me how strong I am and how God will use me for the good of mankind. Sometimes I don’t think it’s what we do as long as we do it!
“Now you, brothers, are like children of promise.” Galatians 4:28
July 28th
Today is the day that we leave for Dallas Our training is over, now it’s time to hit the battle field! I thought that going on this trip I would learn from the people we will be ministering to but I was wrong. Not saying that I won’t, but the people here are so God-filled that it fills me! I have truly become a servant of God and made Godly relations a priority in my life, it’s so amazing!
July 28th
What is forgiveness?
The pressure is full
The bottle is capped
It knows not when to explode
Tying the noose
Thunder rolls in
Gallows are towering
Rain drenches me in sin
My right foot is first
These eyes begin to shed tears
Following is my left
Sadness resides with all of my fears
I knew this was coming
The day after I died
I wish that right now
I was only alive
The rope slides over my head
But the crying stops
Because Jesus rose me
To the very top!
July 29th
Today we finally had our ministry take place! Our group, Beloved Children of Promise, as we are now called, broke up into small groups and we went door to door trying to get kids to come to our VBS. At our first site we arrived late and no kids showed up. Sammie suggested that we pray. Prayer works wonders! After our prayer a few kids showed up with the other MIG (ministry Group), but we were leaving by then. They said that they would come back tomorrow with their friends and I am really excited for that. Our afternoon site was excellent! Lots of kids showed up and two said they wanted to follow Jesus I only talked to Xavier but he really seemed to know what he was up to. It was kind of neat because we got to play games with the kids; we did a skit on how John had to leave his job as a fisherman to follow Jesus. It was really a good skit for the lack of props we had. We had a third site to go to that was just thrown at us for the afternoon/evening. We were supposed to tell the story of Zacchaeus. I don’t know why, but we never got to that. A few Hispanic people began playing soccer- Dan and I were talking about joining them but when their crowd grew, we lost interest. Instead we began playing guitar and singing songs about God. The men began clapping and nodding their head to the beat of the songs. It was so cool. Soon after, you could see people leaning out their windows and doors to listen in. That was God working too
July 30th
Today was a bit different. First, we had a full day of ministry, meaning that at both of our sites there were kids At our first site we had loads of fun. Kenya gave us all nicknames because she didn’t want to know our real names. At first she thought my name was Jordan and called me that for awhile but changed it to “orange-shirt.” It is very important to connect with these kids and I think that by playing with them, bringing out the inner child within ourselves, we can reach a level like no other. At the end of our first site we broke up into two groups: boys and girls. Jesus and Juan were the only boys in our group. Jesus was very unsure of himself when it came to the question of following Christ or not. Juan just didn’t understand, maybe he is still too young. I do have hope for these two as it seems that there is a small bit of curiosity toward the Jesus thing. Our second site was very chaotic. J. R. likes to act all tough He thinks he is better than most… He really doesn’t want to hear about Jesus. I think it’s because he’s afraid of his reputation. Then something happened that really struck me. A little boy was wondering close to the fence where on the other side was construction. A kid ran up to me and told me to “save” this boy. Even though some of these kids act tough, still some are looking out for others! As we were getting ready to leave Dan and I began talking to a boy about following Jesus; I think Ryan might have been there too. I started probing him with questions. Right as the bus came he said that he wanted to follow Jesus but he didn’t know how. Dustin came over and asks him some of the same things I did, just to see where he is at. We all prayed with him You could just see this boy’s face change with excitement
“But you, O God, are my king from old; you bring salvation upon the Earth.” Psalm 74:12
July 31st
Wow Today was really enjoyable. At our second site these two sisters, Amilie and Nae could not get over me. They are six and seven and don’t speak English. It was cute because they think that I speak Spanish! But I suppose when your that age everybody speaks the same language as you. I think because I am almost six feet tall might have a factor in why they ran to me so much. They always wanted to ride on my shoulders. When one was done it was the other one’s turn. I cannot speak much Spanish but I know they were fantasizing that I was their horse. They would slap me and tell me to “hurry up!” Except for the heat I could do this all day long. It was so much fun. It’s sad because tomorrow is our last day with the kids and I think it will be hard to leave, maybe… God has placed me here to touch lives and I know I have I have touched the lives of my peers as well as the lives of the children that I have interacted with
August 1st
Today was our last day of VBS and it’s sad. Time has gone by so fast here. I just love Amilie and Nae! They always want to ride on my shoulders and have me chase people. They love my camera and hat. Although they don’t speak English, our communication has improved. Maybe I’ll see them again one day… mazingly we went to the mall to minister After awhile security caught on and began telling our groups that we could not minister because this is private property. When word of this came to my group I wanted to talk to a security guard but my team said no. I cannot leave the team- it’s the rule Our group seemed to have a set back because no one knew how to talk to someone from the streets. It was difficult and uncomfortable. We managed to speak to a few people who were already Christians- praise the lord! But it felt disappointing that we couldn’t do more. Other groups seemed to have much more success than we did, but how do you measure success? Just as we were leaving I was feeling like we failed our mission so I began shouting out “Jesus loves you,” “God bless,” and other such “holy profanities.” I got some evil looks which made me feel really good
August 2nd
Today we went back to our ministry site; we were going to do a church service but couldn’t get anybody to come. Yes, we still did worship but the atmosphere was down. We started doing worship songs but no one seemed into it. I guess it was kind of depressing- a hot day, no one to work with. I just sat and meditated on what I was doing on the trip. Was it good enough? What could I improve on? Sometimes I just like to listen to the sounds of nature. Just sitting in silence seems to really takeover all of the bad that is going on in life and release the good. We went to Kroger’s that night and people went crazy on buying loads of junk food. It was crazy I know what it’s like to work at a grocery store when it gets full of people buying a lot of stuff! I bought batteries and a bag of cheetos. I was sharing my cheetos with others because I am not a big eater. Not many people like them except for Sammie and Caitlin. As the MA’s were called to leave I told them that they could have my bag and eat it all! I guess to them it didn’t make sense. They both gave me a weird look, like I was crazy. Maybe I’m too giving… I met a guy who was very curious about why we had such a large number of people. I began telling him about Global Expeditions and gave him their number. He is from Africa and says that he wants to help those less fortunate How great is that He said that he will only go as long as he doesn’t get paid for it! I don’t know if he is a Christian but his heart is in the right spot
August 3rd
Today was really scary because Alex was having trouble breathing~ on the verge of passing out. I was just looking at her, and to see her shaking, her face all read, shaky breathing, I was really scared. The paramedics were called in and the rest of us were moved to the bus. Sammie and I took a few kids and then we got back to the bus and everybody was praying, so we joined in. After the prayer they resumed their daily activities but I was still shaken up about the whole ordeal. I was so worried because it looked so bad. We went out to eat and Oksana asked me how much a drink was. I told her that I didn’t know and asked if she needed any money. She said that Alex did. I gave her money but told her not to tell Alex. I don’t know why but I did. I made a phone call and had people pray for her. As long as she didn’t find out I was ok. Sometimes I think it’s the quiet things that mean the most.
August 4th
Today I found out that Oksana told Alex what I had done. I don’t think it was that bad but I didn’t really think it should have been know of my services, it kind of bothers me. We were on our way to six flags. I know that I can’t handle rides, probable because of my shunt but I don’t know. I went with a group that wanted to go on roller coasters because they need and MA. Rachel wanted to go on a ride and the rest of the group didn’t. I made the decision that we will go on it regardless of how dumb it looks. I started to get sick so we had lunch. Somehow I got pulled into the Batman ride. I didn’t want to go on the ride but I did. It wasn’t that bad. Then we went on the Mr. Freeze ride. I thought I was going to throw up. Rachel seemed to be the only one concerned for me and I admire that in a person. It says a lot when others are caring not for themselves, but for others I felt really bad that I wasn’t able to go on any rides so we met up with Valentine’s group. I was glad that my group could still go on rides! All and all it was a good day.
August 5th
I woke up today and couldn’t move my right leg. This isn’t anything new- it happens about once every few months or so. I began thinking about one of or sessions where he said, God wants to heal all us. Does God want to heal my knees? On the bus ride back I was thinking about how Harrison’s cancer was not healed and that he was still able to touch lives all the way to the end. So I don’t know if God WANTS to heal everybody or if He just does. Today was really sad because our ministry is now done and we are back in Garden Valley. I wish I could have stayed out there longer than what we did. It’s funny that I really don’t miss anybody from back home. But I think that my love for them has transfer to my love for everybody on the trip. I love everybody here just like I love my family, they are my family. It’s amazing to think of how much I have learned In our group we began to say things about each other. I went first so everybody said things about me. I started to cry but I don’t know why. They told me that I am a servant and am always looking out for the well being of others, holding doors etc... I felt so guilty accepting their compliments because this is God, not I, that allowed this to happen. He made me who I am. A lot of the people here have affected me through even the smallest of ways. It’s AMAZING The sad part is they’ll never know how much I have been impacted by them on this trip.
August 6th
The day grew to be a sad day only because it was our last day together. I thought about getting a picture of me with everybody from out group but I didn’t. Walking around at the basketball courts seemed to be fine, even in the auditorium, saying good-bye was ok. I bet I said good-bye to the same people at least five times each. At ten-thirty I was in my bunk, just like I was supposed to be, but I came out to brush my teeth and began to socialize. Cameron, Sarah, Lisette and I began to pray. It was really good to pray together. I began to cry but only because I miss everybody already and we’re still here. Our group grew in size, Josh, Sammie, Alex, Caitlin, Valentine etc. Even though we are leaving our love for one another is still strong and unchangeable. We are already talking about going on another trip together. I must admit I lied today. Dan lost part of his ear ring so I said he could have mine, but he didn’t want it because I only have one. I said I have another one in my bag. I really don’t. But then I got to thinking, why do I wear an ear ring anyway? I don’t know but I don’t think I will wear one when I get back. Was it that bad that I lied, I don’t know, but sin is sin.
August 7th
I woke up at five this morning still on the mindset that it was just another day, but then I realized that half of our team was gone and I wish I could have been up earlier. I said that I wanted to stay but with our team gone I now wanted to go home. I began thinking of everybody from the trip and how I love them all so much. I was in love with everyone only it wasn’t a boyfriend-girlfriend love. It was stronger Dan, Sammie, Sarah, Lisette, Dustin, Caitlin, Alex, Rachel, Valentine, Bianca, Ryan, Christian, Vince, Xavier, Josh G, Rebecca…the list could go on and on. I wish I could write all one-hundred and something people down, but that would take forever! I have learned so much from this trip and really enjoyed having everybody come with me.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Dear William
Dear William,
I feel so depressed! Maybe I should capitalize DEPRESSED. Would that add more of an emphasis to it? Man, I don’t know what to say anymore. I want to cry but every time I try nothing comes out. I sit in the shower and just think, every morning for at least a half an hour. I suppose it’s better than staying up until two in the morning. You can thank Hope for that. I called her one day and tried to explain what was going on, but I had a hard time. I think it was shortly after Harrison died. There was dead silence and she asked me a question and I gave a dumb response. I wasn’t able to say what was really going on…that’s when she gave me that advice, “get some sleep.” The problem was I was up until one, one-thirty every night. The worst part is that no one in this house-hold really knew why. Then a few days later Cathy picked me up from school so that I could make it to work on time, she said that I just needed to sleep and get rested in order to deal with my problems. So far that hasn’t worked, or…well, it did for a while. That’s only because I lied to myself. I write poetry to help me deal with these things. You know, it’s like a drug. A quick fix. Yeah, sure, the pain goes down, some of the problems go away, but…I…
I wrote this poem called If Roses Are For You. I began writing it late some Thursday night. I had just gotten back from a high school concert in Hibbing. The concert was a blast but I cried a lot that night. They played some really sad songs…Tears In Heaven…I don’t know, some of the songs weren’t sad, like Dust In The Wind, or Imagine, but after your brother… I cried. I cried. I cried…do I dare say it again? I cried.
My mom and I went to pick up a few things for my sisters at the store and then went home. I don’t even want to get into the car ride home. I got to my room at ten-thirty, turned on my computer and stared at this very same page that I am typing this letter on right now. Tears free-flowed back then. It was horrible. I wrote the poem because Hope had invited to the concert earlier that week. Then that Thursday afternoon I found out my brother died. I wrote the poem in an attempt to describe the events that day and get things off my chest. When I finished I typed up another poem, one that I wrote as a song but never finished. I went to bed at nearly one-thirty.
Come Friday I was home alone and confused. I called Peter, Hope’s father, who happens to be my college advisor as well was my Sunday-school teacher. The first thing he asked is why I hadn’t mentioned anything the night previous, but then he figured it was the wrong-place-wrong-time. Truth be told Hope was so happy that I came, excited for the show, I’m going to guess she seen other people as well, and I wasn’t going to ruin a good night for them. I could hardly keep a conversation, but I told myself that I was handling this well.
I called Ruth, a girl who leads a bible study at the college. And then I called Pastor Dan. I didn’t feel like there was much support from his end of things but maybe that was just me. I was quiet on the phone anyway. Mostly because I didn’t know what to say. I’ve never had to deal with this before. I mean, my grandparents died but they were fairly old and to-be-expected. Statistically young people have a high success rate for leukemia. I figured eleven was still young enough to fall within the high success rate category.
I decided I was going to send Hope a check for her mission trip, and actually it wasn’t me who decided this, and I don’t think she even knows the truth. Not many people do. Ok…here goes-This all started at church after we, meaning Hope and I, spoke to the church that we were going on mission trips. I jokingly said “I’ll give you a hundred dollars if you give me a hundred dollars, that way we can support each other.” I was thinking about this later on that week and I heard a voice saying, “Do what your heart desires.” But this isn’t new; God has spoken to me like this many times before. I told myself that I will wait until my first pay check to see how much I should send. Being that I am going on a mission trip too, I thought that it was kind of strange that I would send money to another missionary. Soon after I thought to wait for my paycheck the voice came back saying, “Don’t send her any money.”
I thought it was strange but arguing with God is like batting your head against a brick wall. A few days later the voice again said to me, “Send Hope some money.” This time I wasn’t dumb, so I asked, “How much should I send.” His reply was, “I’m not going to tell you.” What a guy He is. Telling me to do something and then not telling me any specifics. I played the guessing game with Him. “$10, $20, $30, $40…” So-on and so-on and so-on. He never did tell me that night. A few days later I was filling the milk cooler at work, it’s so loud in there you can’t even hear the intercom. This is where God and I do most of our talking, well…before I changed it to-after my shower. I had just deposited my first paycheck of $160 something or other. The voice then said to me, “Your trip is $805, Hope’s is $4,000. You make over $100 a week. In eight weeks you can pay for your trip yourself.” I began to ponder what he had said. It was all beginning to make sense to me! The more I work, the less I have to raise. But I was wrong. “One hundred. One hundred. One hundred. Send her one hundred dollars.” God said it; not me. And it was his physical voice. Not some made-up thought. Sometimes you just have to wait for the answer.
I wrote the check, but then decided to write a small letter. Two and one-half hours later I finished a one-page letter. That was really hard to write, mostly because Harrison died the day before. I decided to add the poem, If Roses Are For You. Mostly because it was about the night previous. Then I added the poem, …EFGHIKLMNOP… This one was written about Harrison, whose nickname was Jay, and I did not use one J in the poem. I sealed the letter took it to the mail box but the mailman had already come. I threw it on the table and stared at it. I opened it up and tried to read the poems. I think I made it two lines and I lost it. I have never read the entire poem of, If Roses Are For You, since the night I wrote it. From ten until two I cried. I thought back to when I said I was handling it well.I did well until Sunday when I went to church. I cried a lot during the service and thought back to just a week earlier when I was crying in church because Harrison was sick with cancer. Now I was crying because he wasn’t sick with cancer. There were lots of people comforting me but that died down quickly. I wasn’t smothered in sympathy although a part of me wanted it and the other part didn’t.
I was using my late-night awakenings to feel what I couldn’t feel at work because at work I was to be happy and friendly to the customers. I will never be crabby to them. Around this time is when Hope told me to get some sleep. I remember after I got off the phone with her I went straight to bed at only seven-thirty. Since then my bed time has been nine-thirty. I even wrote a poem about that and you know, it helped me ease a bit of my negative feelings. But since I’ve been getting my sleep, I have had no time to feel. Maybe that’s not right but that’s all that’s coming out right now so it must be how it is.
I was a guy that never showed my emotions. My mom was aggressive and my dad was passive. I was always too hurt to say anything to my mom so I followed in my father’s passive footsteps. When I saw Harrison’s dad speaking at the funeral, he could barely speak let alone stand up there, my first thought was toward a comment that Heidi, my stepmother, made about how Dave, Harrison’s father, didn’t care about Harrison and his cancer. I broke down and started to cry, but the instinctive passive-fatherly-footsteps character kicked in. It’s not that I’m afraid to show or feel less of a man or something, it’s just that I was never taught how to show emotions and now that I know how I have to break out of the cycle of holding back.
While outside at the cemetery I did a good job at crying so that others didn’t see me. My dad knew and he offered me a tissue but as far as I know he was it. Then a family friend came over, one who I haven’t seen in years. He was asking me all sorts of non-emotional questions. I just looked at him and cried. Can you believe that Will, I cried in front of someone for the first time! That’s not usually me but it was a step. Since then I haven’t been able to cry which brings me back to the first paragraph.
I noticed after Sunday-school class, Ten Questions To Diagnose Your Spiritual Health, that I wasn’t having my regular talks with God. The logical answer is that I seem to be too busy. But I was spiritually empty. That night I was so depressed that I couldn’t get to sleep until twelve or so. I don’t know what to do any more Will. It’s been four days and counting and I feel so depressed. I was working on the rough draft for my website and I was so emotionally drained that I couldn’t focus.It is currently ten-twenty-three PM. I have been living off a twenty four pack of Mountain Dew and Zebra Cakes for the past six and one half hours. Actually this behavior has gone on for the past three days but I never drink soda. Nor do I eat sweets like I have been. Although I must say that telling you all of this does make me feel better but not in the way I want it to. I think I am getting some of the old underlining feelings off of my chest but there is still that depression. I don’t know what else to say…I’ve been writing this letter for four hours and I am only this far. And just think I will post this on my poem site for the whole world to read. What am I thinking, this isn’t even a poem. It’s a letter to myself.
I just want to cry. I wish there were someone I could talk to rather than this piece of fake white paper plastered on a computer screen. Although I must admit, I am never interrupted by the other party when writing a letter to myself. I want to cry in front of someone. I want someone to hug me and say that it’s going to be ok. “Just look on the bright side William,” I tell myself. “Look on the bright side.”Is it ok if I curse? No, I won’t curse, I can’t. There’s this feeling inside that wants to scream profanities. The individual throws his arms about and smack the table over and over as he breaks down. I did this just this morning as I was sitting in the shower during my meditation time. Sorry. I’m lost, can you help me find my way home. Why. Why. Why. Please stop this car. I want to go home now. Please, my ride is over. Please listen to me…STOP! Here, keep the change…it’s my donation to you. Listen, please return my call, I want to talk to you please. When will this end. I will say this though, thanks for being my friend.... I’m scared. Please hold me tighter. I don’t want to slip away. Please you’re losing your grip. I wish I could stop, the pain is too much. Sometimes I just wish people could really miss me. I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I am dead…how would people respond to that. I’m not talking about suicide, no. Don’t even think that. I did think that once though, but God pulled me through. They say that in times like these God will pull you through and if He doesn’t you will learn to depend on Him more. I think God is playing favorites with me because He treats me like I’m special. More so than everybody else. Look at my past. The Reality Of Life? I wrote a poem about the reality of life. It’s a poem I wrote about when I almost killed someone. Ok I’m crying now…I can’t write this anymore. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? I would scream but this paper won’t hear me anyway. “Jesus loves me this I know. For the bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong. They are weak but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. The bible tells me so.”
That makes me feel better, but I have to go, it’s nearly eleven thirty and I can hardly write with all these tears in my eyes. Pray for me William and I will pray for you. And please write back. I still feel depressed. But my mind is more clear.
Thanks for listening!
God Bless,
William Justison
I feel so depressed! Maybe I should capitalize DEPRESSED. Would that add more of an emphasis to it? Man, I don’t know what to say anymore. I want to cry but every time I try nothing comes out. I sit in the shower and just think, every morning for at least a half an hour. I suppose it’s better than staying up until two in the morning. You can thank Hope for that. I called her one day and tried to explain what was going on, but I had a hard time. I think it was shortly after Harrison died. There was dead silence and she asked me a question and I gave a dumb response. I wasn’t able to say what was really going on…that’s when she gave me that advice, “get some sleep.” The problem was I was up until one, one-thirty every night. The worst part is that no one in this house-hold really knew why. Then a few days later Cathy picked me up from school so that I could make it to work on time, she said that I just needed to sleep and get rested in order to deal with my problems. So far that hasn’t worked, or…well, it did for a while. That’s only because I lied to myself. I write poetry to help me deal with these things. You know, it’s like a drug. A quick fix. Yeah, sure, the pain goes down, some of the problems go away, but…I…
I wrote this poem called If Roses Are For You. I began writing it late some Thursday night. I had just gotten back from a high school concert in Hibbing. The concert was a blast but I cried a lot that night. They played some really sad songs…Tears In Heaven…I don’t know, some of the songs weren’t sad, like Dust In The Wind, or Imagine, but after your brother… I cried. I cried. I cried…do I dare say it again? I cried.
My mom and I went to pick up a few things for my sisters at the store and then went home. I don’t even want to get into the car ride home. I got to my room at ten-thirty, turned on my computer and stared at this very same page that I am typing this letter on right now. Tears free-flowed back then. It was horrible. I wrote the poem because Hope had invited to the concert earlier that week. Then that Thursday afternoon I found out my brother died. I wrote the poem in an attempt to describe the events that day and get things off my chest. When I finished I typed up another poem, one that I wrote as a song but never finished. I went to bed at nearly one-thirty.
Come Friday I was home alone and confused. I called Peter, Hope’s father, who happens to be my college advisor as well was my Sunday-school teacher. The first thing he asked is why I hadn’t mentioned anything the night previous, but then he figured it was the wrong-place-wrong-time. Truth be told Hope was so happy that I came, excited for the show, I’m going to guess she seen other people as well, and I wasn’t going to ruin a good night for them. I could hardly keep a conversation, but I told myself that I was handling this well.
I called Ruth, a girl who leads a bible study at the college. And then I called Pastor Dan. I didn’t feel like there was much support from his end of things but maybe that was just me. I was quiet on the phone anyway. Mostly because I didn’t know what to say. I’ve never had to deal with this before. I mean, my grandparents died but they were fairly old and to-be-expected. Statistically young people have a high success rate for leukemia. I figured eleven was still young enough to fall within the high success rate category.
I decided I was going to send Hope a check for her mission trip, and actually it wasn’t me who decided this, and I don’t think she even knows the truth. Not many people do. Ok…here goes-This all started at church after we, meaning Hope and I, spoke to the church that we were going on mission trips. I jokingly said “I’ll give you a hundred dollars if you give me a hundred dollars, that way we can support each other.” I was thinking about this later on that week and I heard a voice saying, “Do what your heart desires.” But this isn’t new; God has spoken to me like this many times before. I told myself that I will wait until my first pay check to see how much I should send. Being that I am going on a mission trip too, I thought that it was kind of strange that I would send money to another missionary. Soon after I thought to wait for my paycheck the voice came back saying, “Don’t send her any money.”
I thought it was strange but arguing with God is like batting your head against a brick wall. A few days later the voice again said to me, “Send Hope some money.” This time I wasn’t dumb, so I asked, “How much should I send.” His reply was, “I’m not going to tell you.” What a guy He is. Telling me to do something and then not telling me any specifics. I played the guessing game with Him. “$10, $20, $30, $40…” So-on and so-on and so-on. He never did tell me that night. A few days later I was filling the milk cooler at work, it’s so loud in there you can’t even hear the intercom. This is where God and I do most of our talking, well…before I changed it to-after my shower. I had just deposited my first paycheck of $160 something or other. The voice then said to me, “Your trip is $805, Hope’s is $4,000. You make over $100 a week. In eight weeks you can pay for your trip yourself.” I began to ponder what he had said. It was all beginning to make sense to me! The more I work, the less I have to raise. But I was wrong. “One hundred. One hundred. One hundred. Send her one hundred dollars.” God said it; not me. And it was his physical voice. Not some made-up thought. Sometimes you just have to wait for the answer.
I wrote the check, but then decided to write a small letter. Two and one-half hours later I finished a one-page letter. That was really hard to write, mostly because Harrison died the day before. I decided to add the poem, If Roses Are For You. Mostly because it was about the night previous. Then I added the poem, …EFGHIKLMNOP… This one was written about Harrison, whose nickname was Jay, and I did not use one J in the poem. I sealed the letter took it to the mail box but the mailman had already come. I threw it on the table and stared at it. I opened it up and tried to read the poems. I think I made it two lines and I lost it. I have never read the entire poem of, If Roses Are For You, since the night I wrote it. From ten until two I cried. I thought back to when I said I was handling it well.I did well until Sunday when I went to church. I cried a lot during the service and thought back to just a week earlier when I was crying in church because Harrison was sick with cancer. Now I was crying because he wasn’t sick with cancer. There were lots of people comforting me but that died down quickly. I wasn’t smothered in sympathy although a part of me wanted it and the other part didn’t.
I was using my late-night awakenings to feel what I couldn’t feel at work because at work I was to be happy and friendly to the customers. I will never be crabby to them. Around this time is when Hope told me to get some sleep. I remember after I got off the phone with her I went straight to bed at only seven-thirty. Since then my bed time has been nine-thirty. I even wrote a poem about that and you know, it helped me ease a bit of my negative feelings. But since I’ve been getting my sleep, I have had no time to feel. Maybe that’s not right but that’s all that’s coming out right now so it must be how it is.
I was a guy that never showed my emotions. My mom was aggressive and my dad was passive. I was always too hurt to say anything to my mom so I followed in my father’s passive footsteps. When I saw Harrison’s dad speaking at the funeral, he could barely speak let alone stand up there, my first thought was toward a comment that Heidi, my stepmother, made about how Dave, Harrison’s father, didn’t care about Harrison and his cancer. I broke down and started to cry, but the instinctive passive-fatherly-footsteps character kicked in. It’s not that I’m afraid to show or feel less of a man or something, it’s just that I was never taught how to show emotions and now that I know how I have to break out of the cycle of holding back.
While outside at the cemetery I did a good job at crying so that others didn’t see me. My dad knew and he offered me a tissue but as far as I know he was it. Then a family friend came over, one who I haven’t seen in years. He was asking me all sorts of non-emotional questions. I just looked at him and cried. Can you believe that Will, I cried in front of someone for the first time! That’s not usually me but it was a step. Since then I haven’t been able to cry which brings me back to the first paragraph.
I noticed after Sunday-school class, Ten Questions To Diagnose Your Spiritual Health, that I wasn’t having my regular talks with God. The logical answer is that I seem to be too busy. But I was spiritually empty. That night I was so depressed that I couldn’t get to sleep until twelve or so. I don’t know what to do any more Will. It’s been four days and counting and I feel so depressed. I was working on the rough draft for my website and I was so emotionally drained that I couldn’t focus.It is currently ten-twenty-three PM. I have been living off a twenty four pack of Mountain Dew and Zebra Cakes for the past six and one half hours. Actually this behavior has gone on for the past three days but I never drink soda. Nor do I eat sweets like I have been. Although I must say that telling you all of this does make me feel better but not in the way I want it to. I think I am getting some of the old underlining feelings off of my chest but there is still that depression. I don’t know what else to say…I’ve been writing this letter for four hours and I am only this far. And just think I will post this on my poem site for the whole world to read. What am I thinking, this isn’t even a poem. It’s a letter to myself.
I just want to cry. I wish there were someone I could talk to rather than this piece of fake white paper plastered on a computer screen. Although I must admit, I am never interrupted by the other party when writing a letter to myself. I want to cry in front of someone. I want someone to hug me and say that it’s going to be ok. “Just look on the bright side William,” I tell myself. “Look on the bright side.”Is it ok if I curse? No, I won’t curse, I can’t. There’s this feeling inside that wants to scream profanities. The individual throws his arms about and smack the table over and over as he breaks down. I did this just this morning as I was sitting in the shower during my meditation time. Sorry. I’m lost, can you help me find my way home. Why. Why. Why. Please stop this car. I want to go home now. Please, my ride is over. Please listen to me…STOP! Here, keep the change…it’s my donation to you. Listen, please return my call, I want to talk to you please. When will this end. I will say this though, thanks for being my friend.... I’m scared. Please hold me tighter. I don’t want to slip away. Please you’re losing your grip. I wish I could stop, the pain is too much. Sometimes I just wish people could really miss me. I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I am dead…how would people respond to that. I’m not talking about suicide, no. Don’t even think that. I did think that once though, but God pulled me through. They say that in times like these God will pull you through and if He doesn’t you will learn to depend on Him more. I think God is playing favorites with me because He treats me like I’m special. More so than everybody else. Look at my past. The Reality Of Life? I wrote a poem about the reality of life. It’s a poem I wrote about when I almost killed someone. Ok I’m crying now…I can’t write this anymore. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? I would scream but this paper won’t hear me anyway. “Jesus loves me this I know. For the bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong. They are weak but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. The bible tells me so.”
That makes me feel better, but I have to go, it’s nearly eleven thirty and I can hardly write with all these tears in my eyes. Pray for me William and I will pray for you. And please write back. I still feel depressed. But my mind is more clear.
Thanks for listening!
God Bless,
William Justison
Monday, June 8, 2009
Dedicated
Most of my poems are for you
Actually they are there just to get me through the day
This poem is dedicated to you
More or less just to get me through this hour
I will write another poem for you
But then it will only be there for to get me through that minuet
06/08/09
Actually they are there just to get me through the day
This poem is dedicated to you
More or less just to get me through this hour
I will write another poem for you
But then it will only be there for to get me through that minuet
06/08/09
Someone To Fall Back On
There is no pain because there is always pain
I live in a world where sometimes this is all that is found
She cries herself to sleep and I don’t blame her
I would do the same but I already have
I find it hard to accept this loss when you’re not prepared
But then again are we ever prepared?
Around my neck hangs a cross and I find it funny that I never take it off
When times get hard you need someone to fall back on
I even sent her a card but will it do any good?
I mean this for everyone sent a card and it might seem over-done
This is why I didn’t speak to her when I found out
It just seemed like too much at the time
But what is time?
We live on this Earth for what seems to be too long or not long enough
I just now realized that he died but this seems completely strange
I accept my brother’s death more than this
The problem is that it bothers me to see so many suffer
In this world I have found no quick cure for a broken heart
When I die I hope they celebrate
I only say this because I will do the same
But I suppose it will be hard to celebrate in times of sorrow
I know now for her that she is suffering
He is gone and now forever until we reach heaven
Was this poem supposed to help?
All I can say now is that one day we will see this man that we miss
Even though it may be a hard long wait
I will pray that she is heal and times of joy can reoccur
But for now I am a support someone to fall back on
06/02/09
I live in a world where sometimes this is all that is found
She cries herself to sleep and I don’t blame her
I would do the same but I already have
I find it hard to accept this loss when you’re not prepared
But then again are we ever prepared?
Around my neck hangs a cross and I find it funny that I never take it off
When times get hard you need someone to fall back on
I even sent her a card but will it do any good?
I mean this for everyone sent a card and it might seem over-done
This is why I didn’t speak to her when I found out
It just seemed like too much at the time
But what is time?
We live on this Earth for what seems to be too long or not long enough
I just now realized that he died but this seems completely strange
I accept my brother’s death more than this
The problem is that it bothers me to see so many suffer
In this world I have found no quick cure for a broken heart
When I die I hope they celebrate
I only say this because I will do the same
But I suppose it will be hard to celebrate in times of sorrow
I know now for her that she is suffering
He is gone and now forever until we reach heaven
Was this poem supposed to help?
All I can say now is that one day we will see this man that we miss
Even though it may be a hard long wait
I will pray that she is heal and times of joy can reoccur
But for now I am a support someone to fall back on
06/02/09
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Another Day
I set my bedtime at 9:30
Everything seems so blurry
Thoughts come from within my mind
All of my feelings written in time
I pull the blanket over my head
As I lay down in my bed
I fall fast asleep and dream of peace
Then I wake up to a loud shriek
My alarm clock goes off it's nearly six
I roll out of bed there's no trouble in this
Smacked in the face reality hits
I broke into pieces picking them up bit by bit
My day carries on as the wind blows
Randomness seems to be all that I know
The next twelve hours are never planned
Until 9:30 my day starts over again...
05/31/09
Everything seems so blurry
Thoughts come from within my mind
All of my feelings written in time
I pull the blanket over my head
As I lay down in my bed
I fall fast asleep and dream of peace
Then I wake up to a loud shriek
My alarm clock goes off it's nearly six
I roll out of bed there's no trouble in this
Smacked in the face reality hits
I broke into pieces picking them up bit by bit
My day carries on as the wind blows
Randomness seems to be all that I know
The next twelve hours are never planned
Until 9:30 my day starts over again...
05/31/09
Friday, May 29, 2009
Something About Me
When I told you all my secrets
I saw the fear in your eyes
Now I miss you
Because of all my lies
I look at your faceA little dark
The memories will fade
No matter who you are
I hold inside
All the things I want to say
You don't know
What's going on today
It's kind of hard
The questions that you ask
Why don't you
Just take away your mask
Now I see
The things I missed before
You make it hard
You push against the door
Take too long
Then you run away
All that's left
Is all I have to say
05/27/09
I saw the fear in your eyes
Now I miss you
Because of all my lies
I look at your faceA little dark
The memories will fade
No matter who you are
I hold inside
All the things I want to say
You don't know
What's going on today
It's kind of hard
The questions that you ask
Why don't you
Just take away your mask
Now I see
The things I missed before
You make it hard
You push against the door
Take too long
Then you run away
All that's left
Is all I have to say
05/27/09
The Best Worst Day Of My Life
I hardly eat
I never sleep
I think
I feel
I cry
I weep
We got a salute
It felt really strange
To see
To hear
To fall
And believe
To day is the best
The worst day of my life
Together it seems
I gave up with out a fight
I stared at a box
A shiny box
It had his name
Written at the top
I couldn't believe
So I had to cry
For the first time
It was in front of a friend
I just stared at the ground
I couldn't wait to leave
Thoughts in my mind
With tears falling to my feet
I want this to end
Everyone is so sad
What will be missed?
When will I be glad?
I hardly eat
I never sleep
I think
I feel
I cry
I weep
To day is the best
The worst day of my life...
05/26/09
I never sleep
I think
I feel
I cry
I weep
We got a salute
It felt really strange
To see
To hear
To fall
And believe
To day is the best
The worst day of my life
Together it seems
I gave up with out a fight
I stared at a box
A shiny box
It had his name
Written at the top
I couldn't believe
So I had to cry
For the first time
It was in front of a friend
I just stared at the ground
I couldn't wait to leave
Thoughts in my mind
With tears falling to my feet
I want this to end
Everyone is so sad
What will be missed?
When will I be glad?
I hardly eat
I never sleep
I think
I feel
I cry
I weep
To day is the best
The worst day of my life...
05/26/09
Sometimes
Sometimes I feel like I could explode heaven
Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing here
Sometimes I need you to comfort me softly
sometimes I need you to scream at me again
Sometimes I think of all the things that I've done
Sometimes I feel bad for everyone's pain
Sometimes I cause all the trouble inside you
Sometimes it looks as though I am the one to blame
Sometimes I think that I can't think at all
Sometimes I feel like I can't even feel
Sometimes my words seem to change dramatically
Sometimes it seems as though this is a way of life
So be yourself and save me
From all of my insecurities
Don't be the one to drop me
When I lose control of myself
05/26/09
Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing here
Sometimes I need you to comfort me softly
sometimes I need you to scream at me again
Sometimes I think of all the things that I've done
Sometimes I feel bad for everyone's pain
Sometimes I cause all the trouble inside you
Sometimes it looks as though I am the one to blame
Sometimes I think that I can't think at all
Sometimes I feel like I can't even feel
Sometimes my words seem to change dramatically
Sometimes it seems as though this is a way of life
So be yourself and save me
From all of my insecurities
Don't be the one to drop me
When I lose control of myself
05/26/09
Revealed To Me?
This is no lie
I have seen the devil
Out of the night
He has grabbed me
I could not move
Nor could I scream
He had me tight
Fear was deep in me
I said a prayer
Jesus fought
The devil left
only to came back with a higher cost
Those happened many times
And it will happen again
The devil wants me
But I won't give in
When my grandmother died
Jesus stood near
He put his hand on my shoulder
And I felt it...
When the devil came again
I called for Jesus
He lay on my bed with me
I could see his imprint...
I gave him a hug
Though it looked like air
I could feel his body
I knew he was there
I talk to God
Like you talk to me
HE talks to me
Like I would to them
I have heard HIS voice
HE answers when I talk
We just had a conversation yesterday
We took a long walk
HE tells me things
That I don't want to hear
Sometimes these things
Are too close too near
We argue sometimes
It's like hitting a brick wall
You'll never win
Unless God gives you the call
HE yells at me to warn
The things that I will do
Sometimes I listen
Other times I move
Why am I special?
Why is it me?
No one else hears HIM
Like I do...
Faith is to believe
Without the sight
I now only believe
Because I see
05/22/09
I have seen the devil
Out of the night
He has grabbed me
I could not move
Nor could I scream
He had me tight
Fear was deep in me
I said a prayer
Jesus fought
The devil left
only to came back with a higher cost
Those happened many times
And it will happen again
The devil wants me
But I won't give in
When my grandmother died
Jesus stood near
He put his hand on my shoulder
And I felt it...
When the devil came again
I called for Jesus
He lay on my bed with me
I could see his imprint...
I gave him a hug
Though it looked like air
I could feel his body
I knew he was there
I talk to God
Like you talk to me
HE talks to me
Like I would to them
I have heard HIS voice
HE answers when I talk
We just had a conversation yesterday
We took a long walk
HE tells me things
That I don't want to hear
Sometimes these things
Are too close too near
We argue sometimes
It's like hitting a brick wall
You'll never win
Unless God gives you the call
HE yells at me to warn
The things that I will do
Sometimes I listen
Other times I move
Why am I special?
Why is it me?
No one else hears HIM
Like I do...
Faith is to believe
Without the sight
I now only believe
Because I see
05/22/09
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Reality Of Life
I awoke from my dream
Only to find
Reality exists
From within my mind
I start to cry
A tear from my face
Seeing her once more
Could offer no safe
It’s hard to think
A man like myself
I’ve never forgiven
I just sit on the shelf
How could this be?
Many years have gone by
Everyday is the same
I can’t help but wonder why?
If I say I’m sorry
What will that fix?
Another head ache
The pills won’t kick
Does she believe?
Is there meaning to this?
Problems arise
Chances are missed
The brightness of silver
The coldness of black
Places in my memory
I never want to go back
To sleep I will cry
I will never forgive
For things I have done
Why should I live?
03/28/09
Only to find
Reality exists
From within my mind
I start to cry
A tear from my face
Seeing her once more
Could offer no safe
It’s hard to think
A man like myself
I’ve never forgiven
I just sit on the shelf
How could this be?
Many years have gone by
Everyday is the same
I can’t help but wonder why?
If I say I’m sorry
What will that fix?
Another head ache
The pills won’t kick
Does she believe?
Is there meaning to this?
Problems arise
Chances are missed
The brightness of silver
The coldness of black
Places in my memory
I never want to go back
To sleep I will cry
I will never forgive
For things I have done
Why should I live?
03/28/09
It's Only A Number
I have this emotion
Buried in me
I think I feel a five
When in reality it’s a ten
Confusion stets in
I have to look happy
Sometimes it’s hard
I don’t want to begin
The first song I hear
One that is sad
About the same situation
It’s calling my fear
I want to write
Poems of joy
I’m usually colorful
but today is no joke
I sit in my tears
Wish they could go away
So I can move on
A time full of better days
Everyone has pain
This I know
My pain is different
It has no name
It’s hard to solve
A problem you can’t figure out
So I sit in the dark
And I don’t ask for help
I don’t see any closure
To this poem
So now I will close
Full of exposure
5/20/09
Buried in me
I think I feel a five
When in reality it’s a ten
Confusion stets in
I have to look happy
Sometimes it’s hard
I don’t want to begin
The first song I hear
One that is sad
About the same situation
It’s calling my fear
I want to write
Poems of joy
I’m usually colorful
but today is no joke
I sit in my tears
Wish they could go away
So I can move on
A time full of better days
Everyone has pain
This I know
My pain is different
It has no name
It’s hard to solve
A problem you can’t figure out
So I sit in the dark
And I don’t ask for help
I don’t see any closure
To this poem
So now I will close
Full of exposure
5/20/09
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Written The Same
All of these emotions
Fill my mind
I want to rid them
For all time
Happy thoughts
Turn to pain
Tears of sorrow
Always call my name
It rolls downhill
Never anything up
All contents are spilled
From beneath the cup
Sometimes I think
I write the same thing
Over and over
Just like it begins
Am I set free?
Or locked up inside?
I feel emotion controlling
All that goes by
Is this right?
Or is this wrong?
I can’t figure out
The meaning to this song
So I write
The same thing over
Maybe this time
It’ll be when I’m sober
05/17/09
Fill my mind
I want to rid them
For all time
Happy thoughts
Turn to pain
Tears of sorrow
Always call my name
It rolls downhill
Never anything up
All contents are spilled
From beneath the cup
Sometimes I think
I write the same thing
Over and over
Just like it begins
Am I set free?
Or locked up inside?
I feel emotion controlling
All that goes by
Is this right?
Or is this wrong?
I can’t figure out
The meaning to this song
So I write
The same thing over
Maybe this time
It’ll be when I’m sober
05/17/09
This Poem Has No Title
Do I grieve too much?
Do I grieve not enough?
Should I try to forget?
It feels really selfish
I go on my way
I think nothing has happened
To me it’s the same
Day in and day out
It hasn’t become reality
What does it matter?
Who is to care?
No one can hear my thoughts anyway
I ramble on
I cry inside
Yet no one can see me
I enter HIS place
Everyone smiles
This makes me want to smile
Familiar faces
So happy to see
Yet I am not happy at all
Now I feel guilty
Because I didn’t show
Do I have to look sad too?
I get a hug
From people I hardly know
But that’s why it’s God’s family
People so friendly
His death seems to be gone
Just as I leave it hits me
A movie I see
Take away the pain it does
Then I step back to before
I wrote a letter
Opened it back up
I tried to read the contents
I failed it once
And I failed it twice
That’s when I lost it
I thought of her
So I sent it again
Then felt signs of regret
It seems strange to me
I want her to know
But then again I want no one to know
God said she liked me
But that she was young
I guess I took too much action
My thoughts are strange
As I’m sad about him
Thinking of her gets me through
With such a great loss
I should only think him
But when tears are dry there are no thoughts
It was his son
Now it’s my brother
God must have a purpose
Tears in heaven
The only song my guitar sings
I think Eric knows a bit of my pain
I wish my mind could believe
Instead of just my heart
I hate feeling these things without thoughts
If I go
I won’t have to sit here
But I'll leave everyone else behind
It’s a win-win situation
At least for him
Beat the cancer or go home
But these are my thoughts
And these are my dreams
I can’t even begin to share my feelings
This poem has no title
Because it is the truth
Titles only cover up what you don’t want to say
I feel that I have done something wrong
But then I think that it’s right
Even I confuse myself in times like this
I miss him so
And yet she doesn’t know
That she taking away my pain
But he had to go
This I know is for sure
I wish I knew why
The only man to react
Is a man who doesn’t know
Everyone else just says they’re sorry
I tend to get lost
When I have no title
That’s why it’s the truth
05/18/09
Do I grieve not enough?
Should I try to forget?
It feels really selfish
I go on my way
I think nothing has happened
To me it’s the same
Day in and day out
It hasn’t become reality
What does it matter?
Who is to care?
No one can hear my thoughts anyway
I ramble on
I cry inside
Yet no one can see me
I enter HIS place
Everyone smiles
This makes me want to smile
Familiar faces
So happy to see
Yet I am not happy at all
Now I feel guilty
Because I didn’t show
Do I have to look sad too?
I get a hug
From people I hardly know
But that’s why it’s God’s family
People so friendly
His death seems to be gone
Just as I leave it hits me
A movie I see
Take away the pain it does
Then I step back to before
I wrote a letter
Opened it back up
I tried to read the contents
I failed it once
And I failed it twice
That’s when I lost it
I thought of her
So I sent it again
Then felt signs of regret
It seems strange to me
I want her to know
But then again I want no one to know
God said she liked me
But that she was young
I guess I took too much action
My thoughts are strange
As I’m sad about him
Thinking of her gets me through
With such a great loss
I should only think him
But when tears are dry there are no thoughts
It was his son
Now it’s my brother
God must have a purpose
Tears in heaven
The only song my guitar sings
I think Eric knows a bit of my pain
I wish my mind could believe
Instead of just my heart
I hate feeling these things without thoughts
If I go
I won’t have to sit here
But I'll leave everyone else behind
It’s a win-win situation
At least for him
Beat the cancer or go home
But these are my thoughts
And these are my dreams
I can’t even begin to share my feelings
This poem has no title
Because it is the truth
Titles only cover up what you don’t want to say
I feel that I have done something wrong
But then I think that it’s right
Even I confuse myself in times like this
I miss him so
And yet she doesn’t know
That she taking away my pain
But he had to go
This I know is for sure
I wish I knew why
The only man to react
Is a man who doesn’t know
Everyone else just says they’re sorry
I tend to get lost
When I have no title
That’s why it’s the truth
05/18/09
Goodbye
Why is reality?
What does it hurt?
Can I escape?
This doesn’t work
I don’t want to believe
Sometimes it’s hard
An unending truth
I’ve come so far
I hate this part
The book is over
Can’t turn back the pages
Can’t look over my shoulder
In one weeks time
This will set in
As reality leaves
And darkness begins
I shouldn’t stay
And you shouldn’t go
But if you must
Then you should know
Remember I will
Forget I will not
I miss you today
That will never stop
05/16/09
What does it hurt?
Can I escape?
This doesn’t work
I don’t want to believe
Sometimes it’s hard
An unending truth
I’ve come so far
I hate this part
The book is over
Can’t turn back the pages
Can’t look over my shoulder
In one weeks time
This will set in
As reality leaves
And darkness begins
I shouldn’t stay
And you shouldn’t go
But if you must
Then you should know
Remember I will
Forget I will not
I miss you today
That will never stop
05/16/09
If Roses Are For You
The rose pedal fell
I wrote you to pray
But it was too late
So I try to think of our call
I think of the invite
My mind is eased
But only for while
As time goes by
The songs are sung
Most of them sad
So I begin to cry
I think in my mind
Those times of joy
I miss him so
But it’s hardly sunk in
I finally see you
My spirit is uplifted
Sparkly and shiny
You bring a smile to my face
When I run into a friend
I tell him I’m fine
Even though I’m hurt deep inside
When we meet
A hug is surprise
But I enjoy it
Because it’s from you
My mind is clear but my heart is not
Your eyes tell a story
That mine eyes cannot
I wish that right now
I could hug you again
Just because I like it
I’ve got no one to hug
And tears stream down my face
I swear I would feel better
If you were here with me
But he is still gone
It seems like forever
When I first saw you
I thought nothing at all
Now I think about you often
You have brought me so much
So much that he’ll never see
It’s funny that I smile
But life’s just that way
You win and you loose
Sometime we should talk
Before it gets too late
I’m still really sad
But you’re special to me
A connection is felt
Even after one went away
If all I have is one goodbye
Then goodbye is what I’ll say
But it’s really hard to process
Even though he’s gone home
And I know he’s safe and sound…
I’m at a loss for words
So I think I will end
Maybe I can wipe the tears just one last time
I stare at my wall
I want to write but I can’t
I want to scream but I won’t
I hold it in but I shouldn’t
Maybe poetry helps
05/15/09
I wrote you to pray
But it was too late
So I try to think of our call
I think of the invite
My mind is eased
But only for while
As time goes by
The songs are sung
Most of them sad
So I begin to cry
I think in my mind
Those times of joy
I miss him so
But it’s hardly sunk in
I finally see you
My spirit is uplifted
Sparkly and shiny
You bring a smile to my face
When I run into a friend
I tell him I’m fine
Even though I’m hurt deep inside
When we meet
A hug is surprise
But I enjoy it
Because it’s from you
My mind is clear but my heart is not
Your eyes tell a story
That mine eyes cannot
I wish that right now
I could hug you again
Just because I like it
I’ve got no one to hug
And tears stream down my face
I swear I would feel better
If you were here with me
But he is still gone
It seems like forever
When I first saw you
I thought nothing at all
Now I think about you often
You have brought me so much
So much that he’ll never see
It’s funny that I smile
But life’s just that way
You win and you loose
Sometime we should talk
Before it gets too late
I’m still really sad
But you’re special to me
A connection is felt
Even after one went away
If all I have is one goodbye
Then goodbye is what I’ll say
But it’s really hard to process
Even though he’s gone home
And I know he’s safe and sound…
I’m at a loss for words
So I think I will end
Maybe I can wipe the tears just one last time
I stare at my wall
I want to write but I can’t
I want to scream but I won’t
I hold it in but I shouldn’t
Maybe poetry helps
05/15/09
…EFGHIKLMNOP…
You will find this letter
Not once on this page
For it has been erased
From existence
For all time
Some people say
It will come back
This letter is gone
I sit and wait
For a miracle to happen
Emotions to me
Mean more than they can
The words I won’t let describe
These terrible things
Buried deep in me
Yet a smile you’ll see
From him and from me
I won’t let you down
I’ll put up a fight
Please don’t give in
The sun set will rise
The sun rise will set
The day will begin
After every other one ends
Thanks…
05/03/09
Not once on this page
For it has been erased
From existence
For all time
Some people say
It will come back
This letter is gone
I sit and wait
For a miracle to happen
Emotions to me
Mean more than they can
The words I won’t let describe
These terrible things
Buried deep in me
Yet a smile you’ll see
From him and from me
I won’t let you down
I’ll put up a fight
Please don’t give in
The sun set will rise
The sun rise will set
The day will begin
After every other one ends
Thanks…
05/03/09
Virus
I feel sick inside
Virus infected
There is not a cure
That I have injected
These pictures I see
Written in my mind
I’ve always wanted to write about this
But never found the time
Maybe it was me
I never knew what to say
I guess I’ll never know
Then again, maybe today
I knew this was different
I saw your face
I wanted to stop
But I chose not to embrace
I ripped the pictures
Tore them in half
Sometimes these things
Just keep coming back
Images of evil
The things they enjoy
What’s wrong with the world?
A world they destroy
I know in my heart
The word there is hidden
It keeps me strong
Unless it’s forbidden
Years ago
I fought this battle
I just gave in
I tossed in the rattle
Now I stand
On one broken leg
A leg that I broke
Because I didn’t beg
With His help I will come
These things they will go
My greatness fulfilled
How much no one knows
I now see
The wonders in life
How could I have survived
This dreadful flight
The things that they do
I know it is me
I add to the fire
God help me please
I ask you to pray
Keep my heart pure
My mind always clean
And His word always near
04/28/09
Virus infected
There is not a cure
That I have injected
These pictures I see
Written in my mind
I’ve always wanted to write about this
But never found the time
Maybe it was me
I never knew what to say
I guess I’ll never know
Then again, maybe today
I knew this was different
I saw your face
I wanted to stop
But I chose not to embrace
I ripped the pictures
Tore them in half
Sometimes these things
Just keep coming back
Images of evil
The things they enjoy
What’s wrong with the world?
A world they destroy
I know in my heart
The word there is hidden
It keeps me strong
Unless it’s forbidden
Years ago
I fought this battle
I just gave in
I tossed in the rattle
Now I stand
On one broken leg
A leg that I broke
Because I didn’t beg
With His help I will come
These things they will go
My greatness fulfilled
How much no one knows
I now see
The wonders in life
How could I have survived
This dreadful flight
The things that they do
I know it is me
I add to the fire
God help me please
I ask you to pray
Keep my heart pure
My mind always clean
And His word always near
04/28/09
From Ground Up
Bursts of laughter
Bursts of tears
It’s strange in a world
Where you know no fears
Tiny hands
Tiny feet
Tiny everything
That you meet
A smile so big
A smile so wide
You’re just a bundle
Of joy vs. pride
On hands and knees
Staring at the ground
Standing to your feet
You’re roaming around
Growing up
Soon you’ll be
As big if not bigger
Than someone like me
4/11/09
Bursts of tears
It’s strange in a world
Where you know no fears
Tiny hands
Tiny feet
Tiny everything
That you meet
A smile so big
A smile so wide
You’re just a bundle
Of joy vs. pride
On hands and knees
Staring at the ground
Standing to your feet
You’re roaming around
Growing up
Soon you’ll be
As big if not bigger
Than someone like me
4/11/09
Missing Poetry
She was seventeen
He was twenty-six
Now I have to wonder
What will they miss?
I can’t stop but think
Why must this be?
Are we that selfish?
Cannot we spare someone in need?
One got a way
And one they have found
But the other two
Why are they still bound?
The water washed away
All that remains
Sink to the bottom
I don’t want to explain
Three in total
This makes me sick
I wish I could be God
I would fix all of this
If I were He
I would take away
All the pain and the sorrow
You won’t go astray
I’d be a bad god
For I hate when we suffer
I would make life so easy
Would you even bother?
For now I sit back
Help all that I can
Every day I wonder
When will this happen again?
04/10/09
He was twenty-six
Now I have to wonder
What will they miss?
I can’t stop but think
Why must this be?
Are we that selfish?
Cannot we spare someone in need?
One got a way
And one they have found
But the other two
Why are they still bound?
The water washed away
All that remains
Sink to the bottom
I don’t want to explain
Three in total
This makes me sick
I wish I could be God
I would fix all of this
If I were He
I would take away
All the pain and the sorrow
You won’t go astray
I’d be a bad god
For I hate when we suffer
I would make life so easy
Would you even bother?
For now I sit back
Help all that I can
Every day I wonder
When will this happen again?
04/10/09
Scratch Paper
Words of profanity
Words of despair
Writings from my mind
Who is to care?
Places for rhyme
Places for reason
Thoughts written down
Where are the seasons?
I feel sick inside
On paper I scribble
My pen runs dry
I’m stuck in the middle
Words become hope
Shouts out for help
Screams in the dark
Brightness is felt
Emotions are hard
Feelings are soft
Words are just words
Until they hit the spot
Fear is let in
Anger is out
Happiness is shown
There is no doubt
When the paper is finished
There is no free space
I used it all up
To start in a new place
04/10/09
Words of despair
Writings from my mind
Who is to care?
Places for rhyme
Places for reason
Thoughts written down
Where are the seasons?
I feel sick inside
On paper I scribble
My pen runs dry
I’m stuck in the middle
Words become hope
Shouts out for help
Screams in the dark
Brightness is felt
Emotions are hard
Feelings are soft
Words are just words
Until they hit the spot
Fear is let in
Anger is out
Happiness is shown
There is no doubt
When the paper is finished
There is no free space
I used it all up
To start in a new place
04/10/09
Stuck In A Bottle
How long has it been?
How long will it be?
Do you remember?
Think back when you were three
Soon you were six
Then you were nine
After a while
When is it my time?
You grew up so fast
I don’t recognize
Where has time gone?
I feel hypnotized
Floating in the sea
Troubles are lost
Stuck in a bottle
A bottle you tossed
I opened it up
It all flew out
I now understand
What it’s all about
Sometimes I miss
The fun we had
Then I realize
For time those times I’m glad
I suppose if you read this
Then you’ll know
The things that I’ve said
My memories will never go
04/10/09
How long will it be?
Do you remember?
Think back when you were three
Soon you were six
Then you were nine
After a while
When is it my time?
You grew up so fast
I don’t recognize
Where has time gone?
I feel hypnotized
Floating in the sea
Troubles are lost
Stuck in a bottle
A bottle you tossed
I opened it up
It all flew out
I now understand
What it’s all about
Sometimes I miss
The fun we had
Then I realize
For time those times I’m glad
I suppose if you read this
Then you’ll know
The things that I’ve said
My memories will never go
04/10/09
Hope Is But A Dream
The blade cuts the ice
Sharp as it is
Could it pierce my life?
Is this destiny
Is this fate
Let me know
Before my mistakes
How long will I live?
How long will I die?
Only you
Keep me alive
Let me go
Take me in
Just don’t leave me
Here again
Love is a word
Beauty is deep
My mind is so full
I cannot sleep
Thinking of you
I see your face
I would do anything
I would take your place
Do I make this clear?
A chance for Hope
If I step in
Will you let go of the rope?
The apology is mine
I have been gone for so long
Would you care of my past?
I have not but one song
I must end my words
So that it is clear
Close to my heart
You are always near
If you so choose
There I will be
To give you my life
When you are in need
04/09/09
Sharp as it is
Could it pierce my life?
Is this destiny
Is this fate
Let me know
Before my mistakes
How long will I live?
How long will I die?
Only you
Keep me alive
Let me go
Take me in
Just don’t leave me
Here again
Love is a word
Beauty is deep
My mind is so full
I cannot sleep
Thinking of you
I see your face
I would do anything
I would take your place
Do I make this clear?
A chance for Hope
If I step in
Will you let go of the rope?
The apology is mine
I have been gone for so long
Would you care of my past?
I have not but one song
I must end my words
So that it is clear
Close to my heart
You are always near
If you so choose
There I will be
To give you my life
When you are in need
04/09/09
Take Me Home
Sometimes I wonder
How much will this hurt?
Is it enough to pierce the skin?
Will it make it worse?
If I die
Will you die with me?
Hold me till the end
Is it enough to save a lost soul?
Death is but a thing
So why can’t I wait?
Can you out it off?
Please don’t expose my fate
Inside I’m hurt
Torn apart
All needles to dull
To mend my broken heart
Why was it me?
Why was it them?
You couldn’t wait
Don’t let this happen again
Life is a game
Chances with dice
How can I escape
This unending fight
In my corner
Is where I cry
Warnings to me
Are just more lies
What are you saying?
Should I care?
Is this apart of you plan?
Do I even dare?
So empty inside
All the scars remind
Of the past that was left
So far behind
Please take my hand
So we can cross the street
Lead me home
There I will sleep
03/19/09
How much will this hurt?
Is it enough to pierce the skin?
Will it make it worse?
If I die
Will you die with me?
Hold me till the end
Is it enough to save a lost soul?
Death is but a thing
So why can’t I wait?
Can you out it off?
Please don’t expose my fate
Inside I’m hurt
Torn apart
All needles to dull
To mend my broken heart
Why was it me?
Why was it them?
You couldn’t wait
Don’t let this happen again
Life is a game
Chances with dice
How can I escape
This unending fight
In my corner
Is where I cry
Warnings to me
Are just more lies
What are you saying?
Should I care?
Is this apart of you plan?
Do I even dare?
So empty inside
All the scars remind
Of the past that was left
So far behind
Please take my hand
So we can cross the street
Lead me home
There I will sleep
03/19/09
Guardian Angel (The unfinished poem)
You’re just a little girl
So perfect with all of your mistakes
Caught up with the scars inside you
Expecting everything to break
Blood drips from your wrists
The knife falls from your fingertips
A tear drops from you face
Wishing that you could embrace
Rest your head against my shoulder
I’ll hold you tightly ‘till it’s over
Wipe the tears from your eyes
Promise me no more lies
You were a passerby
Now you try to fly
Leaves fall from the trees
Hands are searching
Arms are outstretched
You tried to kill me
When I only saved you
Take my hand I give it to you
After all the pain you’ve been through
Digging deeper into me
Your fading eyes are all I see
Sometimes
I wish that I could go back
And change tine
And maybe we could go back
And you
Feel a little empty
But who knew
That it would come to this…
01/14/09
So perfect with all of your mistakes
Caught up with the scars inside you
Expecting everything to break
Blood drips from your wrists
The knife falls from your fingertips
A tear drops from you face
Wishing that you could embrace
Rest your head against my shoulder
I’ll hold you tightly ‘till it’s over
Wipe the tears from your eyes
Promise me no more lies
You were a passerby
Now you try to fly
Leaves fall from the trees
Hands are searching
Arms are outstretched
You tried to kill me
When I only saved you
Take my hand I give it to you
After all the pain you’ve been through
Digging deeper into me
Your fading eyes are all I see
Sometimes
I wish that I could go back
And change tine
And maybe we could go back
And you
Feel a little empty
But who knew
That it would come to this…
01/14/09
Running Away
Inside I’m screaming
You never wake me
You just take the pain
Always meant for me
You beat on yourself
Taking it all the way
Pulling it back
You don’t see
You fall down
Like everything’s fine
You don’t have to deal
With this anymore
Skin so dark
Eyes wide shut
You’re contradicting
Everything you said
It all turns black
Feeling so empty
Crying now
It won’t help
You’re in too deep
You’re lying down
Covered now
You look your best
11/20/05
You never wake me
You just take the pain
Always meant for me
You beat on yourself
Taking it all the way
Pulling it back
You don’t see
You fall down
Like everything’s fine
You don’t have to deal
With this anymore
Skin so dark
Eyes wide shut
You’re contradicting
Everything you said
It all turns black
Feeling so empty
Crying now
It won’t help
You’re in too deep
You’re lying down
Covered now
You look your best
11/20/05
Innocent
I’m innocent
Whatever I did
I didn’t do it
I’m as innocent as those who lead gangs
I’m innocent
I’m as innocent as those who rob banks
I’m innocent
I’m as innocent as those guilty of murder
I’m innocent
I’m as innocent as those who make war
I’m innocent
I’m as innocent as those who drop bombs
I’m innocent
I’m as innocent as those who destroy innocent lives
I’m innocent
I’m as innocent as those innocent of everything they’ve ever done
I’m innocent
The only difference is...
I pled guilty
10/14/03
Whatever I did
I didn’t do it
I’m as innocent as those who lead gangs
I’m innocent
I’m as innocent as those who rob banks
I’m innocent
I’m as innocent as those guilty of murder
I’m innocent
I’m as innocent as those who make war
I’m innocent
I’m as innocent as those who drop bombs
I’m innocent
I’m as innocent as those who destroy innocent lives
I’m innocent
I’m as innocent as those innocent of everything they’ve ever done
I’m innocent
The only difference is...
I pled guilty
10/14/03
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